Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
There are usually two types of merchants.