[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.