Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
So that’s what we looked like?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.