The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived