My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Life hack
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I have no passwords left in me
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.