Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.