Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
😜
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.