ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My flabber has been gasted.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My dryer is celebrating lint.