[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I think we should hear other voices.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.