Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
are they though??
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Muppet Screams
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other