I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
tinder is all about the long game
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads