Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
🤣😂
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
A ghost story
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.