When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Dance like you’re not the father
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.