Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight