Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Why are bridges so flammable.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*