Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.