“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard