Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.