“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
constantly working on myself.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.