When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.