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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
at ease…shoulder.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes