Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Barbie gone wild
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.