professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me after eating Cheetos
Yup
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.