Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
every. time.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma