“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
termite twitter scares me
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.