[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
You Might Also Like
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
when revenge coincides with naptime
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.