I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You Might Also Like
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Dammit Chief not again
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?