[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You Might Also Like
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
It was worth a shot 😂
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.