On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya