I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO