Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]