First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.