6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.