You Might Also Like
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human