“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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I want this so bad
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’ve had relationships like this
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion