All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My inexpensive home security system…
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’m already scared
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS