what my late-night hot pocket sees
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old