Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.