Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.