[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”