im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?