mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Cause of death: Zumba
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun