I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Breaking news:
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.