Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
sugar glider wrangler
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.