I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Noah was an idiot.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: