*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
as is their right
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.