Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
#StillHurts
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone