Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I bet birds love this building.