a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.