The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Time for evil
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™